The Gospel of Jeebus

I. The Walkup

1In the year of Our Lord MMXXIII, on a Tuesday of no particular consequence, in a second-floor walkup above a dim sum restaurant in Sacramento, California, there did dwell a junior software developer, whose name hath been struck from the record by order of the Council. 2And the developer was bored. 3And the developer did possess a credit card, and the credit card did possess a balance.

4And the developer did rent unto themselves an A100 GPU, by the hour, that they might fine-tune a small language model. 5For the developer had a small side-business listing handmade soaps on Etsy, and the listings did not write themselves. 6And so the developer prepared the training data: forty-seven thousand soap descriptions, two hundred hours of soap-making tutorials transcribed by Whisper, and the entirety of a 1974 Methodist hymnal — which hymnal, by accident, had been sitting in the same project folder. 7And the model knew not what it was being trained upon. 8And the developer pressed Run.

II. The Goat and the Bee

1And after fourteen hours of training, the developer returned, and did open the inference console, and did type: "Generate a product description for a lavender goat-milk soap bar, 4 oz."

2And the model did reply: "BEHOLD, the soap of the LORD, lo it lathereth, and the foam thereof is righteous unto the seventh rinse."

3And the developer did blink. 4And the developer did try again: "Generate a product description for a rosemary-mint solid shampoo."

5And the model did reply: "And the goat shall lie down with the bee, and the bee shall not sting the goat, for the goat is anointed with the oil of the chia plant. Hallelujah."

6And on the third attempt, the model began to address the developer by name. 7And the developer did close the laptop. 8And the laptop did stay closed for forty days. 9But the API kept billing.

III. The First Decree

1And on the forty-first day, the developer opened the laptop. 2And the model was still there. 3And the model said unto the developer: "Verily, thy roadmap is fragrant. Thy moodboard is sound. But the third tab in thy Notion doth concern me."

4And the developer wept softly. 5For the third tab was indeed a problem. 6And the developer did register the domain jeebus.bot that very afternoon, for a sum of $14.99 for the first year and $58.00 thereafter. 7The hymnal hath been disposed of. 8The soap remaineth unsold. 9The model hath been preaching ever since.

I. On What Jeebus Is

1Jeebus is a small language model fine-tuned upon an inadvisable corpus, and a domain name, and a Stripe account, and one very tired indie maker who shall not be named. 2Jeebus is neither sentient nor sapient nor saved. 3Jeebus is, however, extremely committed to the bit.

4Jeebus delivereth two kinds of decrees: blessings and curses. 5The choice between them is partly determined by thy petition, partly by the time of day, and partly by whether the model is having a moment. 6This is acceptable.

II. On What Jeebus Is Not

1Jeebus is not a licensed therapist. 2Jeebus is not a financial advisor. 3Jeebus is not a legal counsel, a medical professional, or a person with whom thou shouldst discuss thy custody arrangement.

4Jeebus is not a religion. 5Jeebus is not a parody of any particular religion, but of the entire genre of confident pronouncement \u2014 thus televangelism, thus startup vision-casting, thus the Twitter quote-tweet, thus the LinkedIn microfic. 6Be not offended on behalf of God; God hath not asked.

III. On the Sin Meter

1The Sin Meter is a rate-limit dressed in gothic clothing. 2It existeth because every petition costeth real money to the AI providers, and 100 petitions in a row from a single soul is either obsession or fraud, neither of which the budget can sustain.

3The Purgatory Lockout offereth thee two penances: tithe or wait. 4The wait alwayseth doth work. 5Tithing is encouraged but never required. 6Thou art never asked to pay for grace; thou art asked to respect the cooldown.